Another busy couple of days doing things that must be done.
Interesting coincidence - the last two posts. Is there such a thing as coincidence? Perhaps all one has to do is ask...

Off to bed now though.

went to the new tai chi class today. promises to be most interesting. Apparently this is derived from the wu style and i haven't seen this style before. There also seems to be a greater focus on push hands and partner work which is just what I need.

cool

Complete Tai Chi Chuan is a book covering the history of the style.

Watched an amusing film last night - "the bullet proof monk". Basically picked it up because it had sean william scott in and chow yun fat - where can you go wrong? (i forgot to mention the influence jackie chan and bruce lee films have had on me ;) ).

It was quite interesting with chow yun fat playing the enlightened monk quoting from the tao te ching. The quote I'm thinking of is as follows: "to know others is to be wise, to know yourself is to be enlightened". I often let these things wash over me in my youth but never really understood where they were coming from or why they were important to a fighter.

I am starting to get an idea of what is going on here though. There is a process one goes through in order to clear ones mind so that you can know yourself without the clutter of emotions or illusions of the mind getting in the way. This becomes important to a fighter because an enlightened figher uses his* mind to direct his energy and his body as is apropriate. If there are parts of oneself that one is not aware of then these are a liability and may cause a fighter to hesitate, freeze up or have an inapropriate emotional reaction. Only by truely knowing oneself can one have full mastery of oneself and hence achieve excellence as a fighter.

There is, as usual another side to this coin. This is the role that fighting or sparring can have in becoming enlightened. It is all very well saying that one has dealt with their personal demons and have cleared their mind, but sometimes one doesn't know what the pond contains without stirring it up. So sparring can be a way of challenging oneself, ones image of oneself and ones mastery of oneself. I am currently wondering whether I should take up an art that is more focussed on martial applications and sparring as well as t'ai chi to complement my studies.This is not the only way, there are - or so I've read - many thought exercises that one can go through, repeatedly trying to understand oneself more deeply. I shall ponder on it.


* 'he', 'his', etc. used in the sense of impersonal pronoun, not only thinking men here

Another day and its late again.

The thing I wanted to write about yesterday at some length that I'm going to summarise here is "rising to the challenge". This is how it was phrased in a book I'm currently reading and it is given as a quality of the spirit. I found this quite interesting, largely because I have now realised that I have not considered my spirit or spirituality in some time. It sounds strange doesn't it? I claim to read these books and be trying to understand myself and I have neglected something that many hold at their core.

It is particularly interesting here because it is this quality that I have been seeking and feel that I have lost to a degree, and now I tie this up with something I have been neglecting - most interesting. Convenient too, which implies I have assimilated the text into my current situation and understand it in perhaps a narrower way then was intended - but I think thats no bad thing. Hopefully I can adjust my focus and as I come to understand more I will re-read and get more from it.

This is how it has been with my studies of t'ai chi. I practice movements, observe similarities between yang, chen and lee styles and come to understand what I have been doing and what I haven't. Indeed the first move I learnt some 13 years ago now has far more meaning to me now, and back then I was eager to get to the movements where one kicks and punches and pushes and look cool. This first movement however, where one simply raises ones wrists to shoulder height and lowers them back down to hip height, is one of the early steps in shaolin training. Its a chi-gung exercise designed to excite ones energy. Indeed the monks will practice this one move thousands of times for many months before moving on. A simple move that I still cannot claim that I have mastered.

I find as I read and practice (far too infrequently) that I have not yet learnt to walk, I am still coming to know the extent of what I do not know.

My path feels as though there have been many steps back as well as steps forward, perhaps by leaving these pointers along the way I will make more in the right direction and find my path more quickly when I lose it, as I'm sure I have and will from time to time.

As part of the whole me not being mature thing I've spent this evening catching up on chores around the abode. Its getting late and i'm not done. I want to write a big spiel about one of the books I'm reading but it'll have to wait. hmm... Do the important stuff first, eh.

Just read my past few posts. Can imagine anyone reading this apart from myself simply wouldn't know where i was coming from.

I've already had my 15 minutes of fame, I was a baby that shouldn't have survived. See, my mum suffered from multiple sclerosis in her youth and this rendered her immobile at a young age. By some miracle she recovered - slowly, with alot of hard work and faith she has now recovered as near fully as makes no difference. This was a woman who was told she would never walk again and never have children. So, My 15 minutes where I was in newspapers and on the telly were when I was first born. A miracle baby. Christianity, faith in miracles and being in the presence of good people with a great deal of faith were all part of my childhood.

I guess the other early influence was star wars. There are a few generations now who grew up wanting to be a Jedi Knight. To have powers above the rest, to be in tune with the force and given the belief that we are more than what we can see. In the words of Yoda, "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter".

So I have had installed in me a knowledge that we are more than we can see, but I have little idea of the nature of it. I guess this is my story, the path I have taken and will take to find that out.

Faith manages.

I've been thinking about my comment early re: maturity. I looked it up on dictionary.com and got these two interesting definitions:

• Having reached full natural growth or development: a mature cell.


• Having reached a desired or final condition; ripe: a mature cheese.

I think that I am immature in respect to both these definitions in some way. Sure, I've reach a level of physical maturity by the first definition but I don't feel I have developed fully or reached the desired condition.
In order to prove or state this categorically I must define what that level is. At the moment I'm a little confused in my mind as to the distinction of enlightened and mature. For me one is mature when one is by buddhist or taoist definition enlightened. This in itself is not a clear definition for me and one that I will explore here in this blog.
I hope to continue to develop both physically, mentally and spiritually through my studies and practice of the taoist arts - at least for now.
I think that this is what I get from t'ai chi - a sense of developing myself on at least the first two of these levels. From what I have read I will have to take my practice a bit further to develop what one might call my spiritual self.

I hope to pop some names up of books that I'm reading shortly and give some insight into how I have assimilated these thus far.

Woo hoo.
Just discovered that the t'ai chi class is back on at my local gym.

I had an interesting conversation today. It was probably the first time I vocalised some of my thoughts on my current level of maturity and how spoilt I am. I am currently in the enviable position of having sufficient funds and freedom to do largely as I want to. There are demands on my time, things I must do but I do get evenings to my self, time in the mornings and odd days at the weekend with which to please myself.

I recently damaged my back and took some time off work to let it heal. I found that I could sit in front of the computer quite comfortably with the aid of a large scooby-snack shaped cushion and promptly spent my time playing and finishing the campaign in Warcraft III.

I could have spent more of my time reading, as I had intended to but I wanted to play this game and that is what I did. Was this immature? One can take the view that all things are ok in moderation - but then we have to define moderation for that to be effective. However the intuitive mind knows the difference between right and wrong, enough and too much. I know that I did this too much and abused my freedom.

I forget where this statement comes from but it is rather telling I feel -
"The path is clear to all of us, it is simply easy not to follow it."

I know at some level what I am and what I want to become and how to do it, its just easier sometimes to sit down and play games.

As the title of this blog might suggest my principal interest at the minute is the philosophy and practices of the taoist tradition. There are two principal books in taoism - the tao te ching and the I Ching. Sadly the translation of the tao te ching that I have is currently out of date - if you're interested the ISBN is 0850305330.

My interest in taoism stems from my study of t'ai chi on and off for the past decade or so. I would say I am still a beginner in the art and there are whole swathes of stuff I don't understand yet, but as it says in the tao te ching, if one doesn't practice diligently over time, one cannot suddenly understand.

Bizarrely this weeks New Scientist magazine has an article on "Who are you?" and a few articles on personality. I'll have a read methinks.

Why this blog?

I've been thinking about why I am curious about what I am. Clearly I'm a human being. I personally think it's likely that my current form evolved from other animals on the planet but its plausible that something created humans in their current form.

What am I?

So tempting to try to answer that in this post, but that is I guess what this whole blog is about for me. I'm reading alot of stuff right now, I've read alot of stuff too... I find that as I read and assimilate things I have an internal dialogue, small sudden realisations, insights and it is these that I wish to document here.

I think back to when I was 14, when I started T'ai chi with the local rising dragon club. I made great leaps in my understanding then of what I was and what I thought a good person was. I can't remember how I thought then, what I thought then and what my dreams were. I find also that I have forgotten and rediscovered some things. I hope that in the future I can look back at this log and see some of what I was and not lose insights.

So I guess this blog is for me, a place to put my musings on what I am, what it is to be human and whatever else my monkey mind springs to.

Ok, need to add another post. This Blog business has been distracting me little by little from my work all afternoon and now I'm off for the weekend and won't be able to update it for a little while.

I have at present got high hopes for this blog. I hope to look at questions about myself here and through expressing these discover something about myself. I feel that I should draw on the experiences of the Introspectionists - a group of psychologists who tried to understand the human mind by trying to apply empirical principals to studying their own thoughts. Many thought that this was a waste of time, as observing behaviour inevitably causes it to change - however I believe the act will help bring some clarity to who I am or at least who I think I am and what I aspire to be. Documenting such a process I hope will change me for the better - if it doesn't or I don't like where its going I'm sure I'll simply stop talking about all that and start discussing computer games which have consumed alot of the 27 years of my life to date. Maybe there'll be some of both.

Sounds pretentious and lofty doesn't it. Perhaps I've already discovered something there then ;)

I have a tendency to write a stream of conciousness, and mine is presently quite noisy and easily distracted. Expect topics such as language and thought, the rise of machines, taoism and christianity, the fall of mankind, what i had for lunch and video games...