A weekend away

Just back from Brighton. My other half fancied a night away so we stopped down there.
Nice it was. The sea life centre is cool.

Anyhow, so am I still addicted? I believe that was my focus recently. Going back to work had the effect I expected, in that it calmed matters, although I have probably played it 4 or 5 days out of the seven this week. This is of course a massive improvement.

T'ai chi was good Thursday although I performed quite badly in the free-style pushing hands. A testament to my lack of practice. I would have whipped their butts at spellforce of course but er... well. Good game though, the story line is quite reasonable and the gameplay keeps me entertained for hours on end. I'll stick an ad in for you at the bottom.

Amusing, I remember talking to a 14 year old a month or two ago and I asked what he wanted to do with his life. He replied that he wanted to play playstation 2 games. I thought to myself this is what's wrong with society, kids don't want to contribute, don't want to work, just play games. hmm.... Perhaps he was simply honest about what he wanted to do with his life than I am. Given the opportunity, it seems I too would spend all my time playing games.

but I will play the game

No point in going cold turkey. I must find balance, denying something doesn't feel like finding balance - but then I would say that since I want to play it.

The cold thing is interesting too. A good number of people I know don't take drugs to treat the symptoms. I do. Did. Hmm... they did help, but ultimately the activities this morning felt like they releaved the bulk of the pressure I felt in my head which ultimately was the cause of the headache and groggy feeling.

It was odd actually, the pressure felt sinusy. I don't think that breathing, focussing and waving my arms around emptied my sinuses though. If you take the chinese view it would say that there was a build of energy at this point because of the sinus issue. My activities then cleared the energy build up not my sinuses then. Thats one explanation. Perhaps just relaxing helped.

hmm... drugs or arm waving. right now I seem to think both.

I'm curious what other people use to lift colds.

not playing the game

also got rid of my cold.

woke up groggy this morning and resorted to a chi gung clearing down exercise and a bit of the reiki dry bathing and cleared my head. generally feel alot better today. Interesting that I got the cold at a time when I was largely neglecting my practice and focusing too much on playing.

looking forward to the class on thursday though, been a while and i really need to run over the short form again as I really have neglected my t'ai chi practice. Also sat watching the new episode of stargate sg-1 - an excellent series.

nice to come back to a little balance.

I will admit though that the break has improved my perspective at work and my ability to perform.

I am an addict!!

I am addicted to spell force. Looked up the definition on www.dictionary.com as is often my wont and this is what I found:

ad·dict P Pronunciation Key (-dkt)
tr.v. ad·dict·ed, ad·dict·ing, ad·dicts

1. To cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance: The thief was addicted to cocaine.
   
2. To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively: The child was addicted to video games.
   

1. n. One who is addicted, as to narcotics or a compulsive activity.
   
2. A devoted adherent; a fan: We are all... addicts of change (Christopher Lasch).
   

Wow, the child was addicted to video games. To occupy oneself with something compulsively. Every spare minute I get to myself has sadly been spent on spellforce. It all began a wee while ago. I got really into warcraft 3 and was playing that a great deal - a fun and good game and in multiplayer far superior to spell force. I took some time off over Christmas as I was required to take my holiday. I had visions of me meditating and practicing t'ai chi in the garden during this time but this has not come to fruition. Poor weather and cat/dog doodoo in the garden put me off outdoor pursuits and so I was left practicing indoors - this soon diminished to a token effort though as I picked up homeworld 2, a game purchased some months before but that i hadn't played because I had been playing warcraft 3 incessantly. Homeworld 2 soon fell, completing it in several days but my thirst was not quenched - a new challenge please!

Now I have come to spell force. A game similar to the others but you get a principle character - an avatar. The more you play the more powerful you get. Where can I take this character, so many new challenges, so much to learn and do. A challenging game with just enough rewards to keep me playing far longer than I should.

I am sat here writing this in part to pull me away, but in truth I don't wish to stop playing - maybe play a little less before I lose all contact with the outside world.

Still, life is returning to normal, I'm back at work and t'ai chi class starts again in a week.

Truly my Christmas and new year have been a time of self indulgence.

Merry Christmas

Mine has been good, hope yours was too..

woah - been a while

and why?

cos I've been playing spellforce all my spare time. Had to book some time off and well, spent most of my time playing games. managed to complete homeworld 2 a week or two ago - darn fine game that by the way. The I made my way on to spell force.

I guess if warcraft 3 is mostly real time strategy with a spot of role playing game then spell force is mostly role playing game with a spot of real time strategy. So you're there with your principle character walking up to farmers/merchants/etc. and get little quests to run off and do. I must admit doing all these silly things in this game is oddly rewarding.

I guess thats what games are about, being given, facing and overcoming a challenge or two.

Sadly this doesn't take me nearer my goal, but its christmas and i have some time off so for now it will do.

certainly satisfying my inner kid.

oo, another quote

"What we leave behind is not as important as how we live" - Jean Luc Picard, Star Trek Generations.

so how do you have a positive impact on the world?

Easy, give a homeless person a tenner! At least that kind of makes sense. Makes one persons life a bit better for an evening. Doesn't feel like it qualifies for having a positive impact on the world though. Not really a big deal or a great impact.

There are loads of charities doing just this though. Trying to have a positive impact on the world, making life better for many people. There are many that do good work on an ongoing basis. Supporting these financially on an ongoing basis would be far more effective. Facilitating a small part of a big impact. Every drop raises the ocean as they said in dinotopia ( - classic philosophical source that).

In the new testament Jesus is quoted as saying, "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven.". The same topic is covered in the tao te ching, as it talks of how acquisitiveness is generally not a good thing and makes it harder to do the right thing. This is me sat in my house with so many hundred dvds among other things.

Still, small things. I shall look into the whole (tax-free) charitable donating thing in the new year.

no post for a while

and by crikey there should have been.

In truth I haven't wanted to. A friend of mine posted this in response to my last blog and cleared up his previous question by asking a new one: "what positive impact are you having on the world?"

Indeed this is the crux of what I was getting at in my last post. I finished that with kind of saying, well, if you you are good at heart, do good stuff, then the effect can only be positive. I implied that that was sufficient and walked away happy that I was doing enough. I read this question above and felt that I had lied to myself, a small comfortable lie but the truth is I was not doing enough and this is still the case. Indeed, it seems I do not want to do more. The excuses are plenty - no time, no money, other obligations... In my heart I know that I am not doing enough. This has stopped me sitting here and writing. I knew if I did, then I would have to face this truth.

I am now thinking something that will placate this feeling, but will be another comfortable lie if I do not act on it. My new years resolution this year will be to do something about it. Now being trained as I am in project management, requirements analysis and problem solving I will be able to get around such a wishy washy definition. Perhaps over the next few weeks I'll put some ground rules around that.

Its odd, such a quest requires the definition of doing something that has a positive impact on the world. Theres a question of scale - both in terms of how much of the world and how much of an impact. How does one measure the impact? The other question of course is can any good come of an action I am undertaking because I feel I should do it, rather than a great desire to do it.

Given my previous writings and what I have read desire is most certainly the wrong word. Perhaps a sense of duty is the only place this can come from. Writing about it, as I have pointed out before, is risky though. It means I may be no longer doing it for myself but for my audience - as small as it is. If that becomes the case that would taint my actions - as I have already said in this blog, I must be on guard for that. If anyone does read this and in future months feels I am playing to the audience rather than doing what should be done - shout at me! (an email will be fine though)

that wu-dang class

right, now I'm back in the blogging thing I can write up the class and stuff.

they are so cool, most excellent. I feel I am learning a great deal from attending them and I am being exposed to a much broader cross section of the art than I have before. Last week we did some sabre drills which was fun and the only thing stopping me going out and buying a t'ai chi sabre is the whole christmas/money thing. Great fun.

Also on thursday - 11th. We practiced the first part of the five element arm drill. Essentially this is a series of defends and counters done with one arm. The sequence is with the right arm, right, left, high, low left, low right. Mirrored for the left arm. Theres some foot work too and suspect a lot more subtlety to the arm work. It was most interesting.

Also practiced the nine palace stepping exercise. all good fun.

I'm going to pre-date this to friday which is when I should have posted it - I actually posted it midday sunday.

Again, so much to say but...

So little time.

and now, time but nothing to say. I've been thinking a lot about things micro and macro lately. What would a healthy society look like? What is a good company? What role does a good person play in this society? The early taoists, the philosophers were often wise men of state who advised in political and military matters and perhaps it is this path I am stumbling into with my monkey mind...

I live in a capitalist society, ultimately a company is deemed good if it performs well on the stock market - which in turn is determined by its share value, dividends and overall profit. So for a company to perform well, for it to be deemed good in our society it must be both popular and function for a profit, which is then returned to the shareholders.

Is this good for society? A good person is therefore someone who contributes to the shareholder value of a company. This could be achieved by cutting 500 jobs to cut costs - meaning 500 fewer people are contributing to the economy, not getting paid and not spending so much... Its good for the company, but for the economy? For society?

What is good for society? Is it what's good for the individual? Good for most of them?

A friend once asked me, "what will I be remembered for?" An interesting measure of a good person. I like the story of the emperors doctor - a man famous throughout his country, and one day someone asks if he is the best doctor, as he is so famous. He replies that he has two brothers and they are both doctors. He cures people once they are very ill and does this quite effectively. His brother however prevents most of his patients from getting ill and cures most of the rest - he is the better doctor but only known in his principality. His third brother has many patients but none of these get ill. This brother is the best of all, but only known in his town.

Here is a flaw in the "I want to be remembered" approach. Those who are remembered do great things, bring about great change, do something drastic. These are important, but those who do the greatest work, improve the world most, are not seen. Those who ensure things don't get ill aren't remembered, only those that clean up after an problem has already grown too great...

What does all this mean to my earlier question? Truth is I don't know. Where am I going?

Perhaps good can be done to the country, to the company, to ones local community by simply endeavoring to ensure that things go smoothly. This is what Taoism is then. The belief that the future is always moving, but that one can discern change, see what is changing and how - once one understands change, then one can act with it and allow things to progress as they should.

Study how things change - great and small.

Another practical wu-dang class

Attended another class today. Was quite a challenge tearing myself from work to go. The act has benefitted that as well as me, giving me time to think and resolve some of my frustration. Duty is an odd thing.
The class itself was fun. Odd mixing fighting drills and t'ai chi. I am still a poor student though. I am reminded of the story of the philosopher who went to the master to learn from him. The philosopher sits as the master poors his tea - asking questions and talking through what he knows. The master sits silently pouring tea, eventually filling the cup and allowing it to overflow. The philosopher cries out in alarm that the cup is already full. So the master replies "How can I teach you, if your mind is already full?"

So it is with me, I have learnt bits of yang style, lee, chen and read a great deal. I have fought and sparred with wing chun and karate - although I was never adept at the old fighting malarky.

Now I find that in the fighting I fall back to the wing chun drills when I am unsure, I also find myself assimilating knowledge with what I already know, rather than accepting all that is before me, what I am taught. An interesting task, simply learning. Simple yet so hard.

Still, learning I am despite myself. I hope that fortune allows me to continue with the class.

Zen, Buddhism, Confucianism and Taoism...

As with any philosophy and group of people that are together at a time, all influenced each other. As with stories, ideas, any thing that can be passed from one to another, people take what is pertinent, fit for purpose, useful and combine all these into ones being. The writings of a philosopher is a view on this I guess. A two dimensional picture seen at a certain time.
Taoism it seems is quite neutral, or was. The influence of other philosophies introduced the idea that the Tao, the common consciousness is benevolent.
Not sure where I'm going with this. I am just wondering about the source of right and wrong, its definition. What makes a good person? What makes a good culture? A good nation? A good entity? What makes a thing an entity?
Confucianism is quite close to something I dislike. I don't know it well enough to really comment, but when has that ever stopped an English man. It seems like a set of rules, a code of conduct, something that on the face of it is where Christianity is today. Perhaps this is what people see of Christianity these days, not the mystical/spiritual side of the religion. Perhaps this is how Confucianism complemented Taoism. From what I have read it looks like zen strengthened the ideas around the development of the mind and the diminishing of ones desires. Taoism was initially most interested in longevity and immortality and concerned itself with changing and strengthening the body.

I must find out about the wisdom out there, come up with my own philosophy. I like the idea that if we clear our mind, our ego - then what is left knows the difference between right and wrong. This is hard to prove I suspect, although so many people can't be too far off wrong. The major sticking point is that I don't really want to rid myself of my desires. How does one tell the difference between right, wrong and desire???

Practice I think...

T'ai chi class with fighting drills etc.

Great fun throwing people around and getting chucked about.

The practical Wudang class out of town was worth the journey.

history of taoism and stuff

It is quite an interesting book. Quite bizarre how the philosophy has been turned into a variety of texts. One thing I found quite odd is the adoption by the 'taoist' community of the study of longevity. I think this goes to show the range and number of influences on taoism and the taoist practitioners. Taoist alchemy is well known area and used in the martial arts and arts of longevity. This is based on cultivating internal energy and using it to alter ones mind, body and spirit.

This however, seems inconsistent with quelling ones desires and living in a non-acquisitive way. However that sentiment comes from the karmic and action sects of the taoist tradition. Where does modern taoism come from?

Interesting book - thoroughly recommend it.

Taoism n' stuff

just reading eva wongs book on the history of taoism. Have a look here. Not sure what to make of it all yet, although it is an interesting book. I'm certainly more interested in the philosophy rather than the religon although the shamanic side is interesting.
Could shamans talk to animals? That would be handy. seems unlikely to me though. hmm... could one intuit what an animal is thinking/wants? i guess thats plausible. hmm.. proof would only come by experience i guess.
Haven't got to t'ai chi yet. There are references to taoist yoga-like movements, which interests me immensely. I practiced some of these when studying lee style at the croydon buddhist centre. I could find no texts on these at the time and since joined the wudang school.

I wonder if what they share with yoga and/or pilates if anything. hmm....

Wicca fest

Today I visited witch fest as a couple of pagan friends came to visit. It was an odd event for me, quite different. Nice to see so many people not quite conforming to the normal view of how one should look. Haven't seen quite such a display since my university days I suspect.
There were a few things that interested me there. One in particular was a workshop on moving magic. Looking at it from my perspective (i.e. not with my head being completely empty) it seemed like a bit of group energy work, with bits and pieces in common with all energy working practices. An interesting observation and odd to see this idea of some "energy" tied up with ritual practices (by that I mean following some sort of order).
However this wasn't struck me most. The big part that struck was that watching this I saw people of many generations, different backgrounds all working together, having fun and laughing with each other. Rarely have I seen teenagers having fun with older folk in modern english society and actually wanting to be there and contribute. If nothing else I like some of these practices for their greater sense of community.
I am personally still unwilling to commit myself to a religon as yet, though so its unlikely this blog will turn to paganism. The day brought me an interesting insight though.

Birthday meal

Went for a friends birthday meal this evening. Fun was had by all.

Reiki 2

I recently did the reiki one course to essentially see what this was all about. I note now that the reiki 2 course (i.e. practitioner level) is available and I would like to attend. However it is a considerable amount of money, especially this close to christmas so I fear it will wait till the new year.
If you're interested the guy who taught me reiki 1 has a website at www.reiju.me.uk.
An interesting art.

Zen tea ceremony

My other half got me a text on the Japanese Zen tea ceremony. This is something that has intrigued me for some time so I look forward to flicking through the pages.