Odd emotional reactions n' stuff

Back when i did the reiki 1 course I recall getting spontaneously angry, just waiting for a bus - an emotional reaction quite out of character. I am now finding similar reactions. I would describe myself now as more tetchy, irritable, angry on occasion. I am reacting in my usual fashion of letting it pass or trying to but it is unusually common at this time.

There are two possible sources - works a bit more stressful at present although to be fair I have usually been able to disassociate the rest of my life from work quite easily to date. The other possible cause - and this is why I mention my reiki 1 experience, is that my current activities trying to meditate and working through the accupuncture points associated with the microcosmic orbit (taoist meditation technique) are releasing this energy, these emotions and it seems that this is to be expected.

Its an odd side effect. One wouldn't imagine that breathing and meditation techniques would have this effect. I am now more aware of feelings of pressure around some of these points and finding that I have to conciously relax and 'smile' to free myself of them.

an odd thing i thought i would share.

a new understanding of chi gung

chi gung and the whole taoist meditation has been a bit of a side hobby for me, that is to say an interest brought about by my interest in t'ai chi. Anyhow, I'm starting (I think) to get a good academic grounding in the early stages of developing energy and to a degree how it relates to t'ai chi. Starting to... after about 14 years.

What have I learnt recently?

Well, I've read the first two chapters of a book by mantak chia called: bone marrow nei kung. This is the largely secret art of enhancing your bone marrow, blood and body by focusing on the bones.

I've learnt a few things from these first few chapters. Firstly, and this is an odd one, I'm not ready to read it. Sounds mad doesn't it? The content discusses how one should move ones focus, ones concentration around your body to bring about certain changes. Now imagine you're reading a book that says focus on your belly button - try reading that without doing it! I couldn't I'll admit, I was reading passages and finding that at some points I was having a go without meaning to. A fairly meaty headache told me I wasn't doing things quite right - but the book has spurred me on to practice some of the basics first before gathering all the knowledge I can.

An interesting lesson.

So this is why things are not taught before you're ready - cos you're not ready!!!! marvelous.

What else did I learn?

erm.

well, its not all magic. its based on simple things, meditation and using the bodies hormones to grow.

i'll leave it there for now methinks

Without diligent practice you cannot suddenly understand

Thats a quote from one of the t'ai chi classics - a set of texts concerning t'ai chi that were found some time ago. If you're interested have a look at the wudang site.

I have had a few occasions to re-read texts on chi gung and some simple taoist exercises of late and discovered that I had not understood them. I've gone on to read them again and found again that I did not understand them. Perhaps I will have to read the same text and practice the same thing a thousand times and I will understand. Clearly I am not ready to really listen to the message.

On that note I discovered what is meant by "listen to the sound of one hand clapping". Quite interesting. It's a meditative listening exercise. Once you have listened to all the created sounds, all that is, then you will hear the uncreated sound - that which isn't - the sound of one hand clapping. wierd idea. there's a name for the sound - AUM.

So, my academic understanding of all this stuff has improved.

Has my practice? Well - I just practiced an exercise I've been doing since I was 14 and this time it was different, uncomfy a little - my belly felt full and distended like a balloon had been inflated in there. With no taoist master and an academic path relying on books I must try to find out what this means. Perhaps I should ask for help.

Reading - lost in translation

The feet can walk; let them walk.
The hands can hold; let them hold.
Hear what is heard by your ears;
see what is seen by your eyes.

TAOIST VERSE

borrowed from page a day calendars.

I've read a lot lately. It's occured to me that I may have a good academic understanding of the a few of the essential principals but I have had difficulty applying them. To say I have an academic understanding for me, I guess means I have a detached, non-practical understanding. This in itself is part of why I'm interested in T'ai chi - particularly the martial applications.

Perhaps this is why so many of these philosophers were martial artists and warriors. In the heat of battle if you are uncertain of the path then you pause, you decide what the thing to do is and then do it, rather than simply doing it.

One of the key elements is to be present. I believe this is referred to by the last two lines above - hear what is heard by your ears; see what is seen by your eyes. This also alludes to another key principal - don't let your conscious mind alter what you see. A child is present - in the moment, not worried about things done and what is to come. Also, a child experiences the true moment - far more than an adult. As an adult I will listen to what someone says but will not remember that - I will remember my analysis, my interpretation based on schemata (to use a cognitive psychology term) in my conscious mind.

So these two simple lines that would most likely make people chuckle at their simplicity represent two of the hardest things I am trying to learn and I have it seems failed.

I believed I had an ability to be present - you must in order to practice T'ai chi well. After reading a book called "The present" it occurred to me that while I have the ability - I don't do it! How bizarre is that? I know what it is, the benefits and yet I distract myself when I should be present.

I have also discovered that when I am present I am not good at listening - be it by ear, eye, touch or all my senses. I hear, see and feel but through the veil of my conciousness. It is this in part that leads to me being chucked around rather easily in the free-style pushing hands sparring I've started taking part in on Thursday nights. A martial demonstration of my mental discipline.

I now find that perhaps I don't understand the whole verse. I have an idea what part of it means but as you can read above - and with some irony - I read the verse and interpreted the part my consciousness was able to interpret and didn't analyze the rest till now.

oops...

went to see "when harry met sally..." show

Its been a good weekend. went to see when harry met sally and met Alexis Denisof and Alyson Hannigan. Oh, and Luke Perry was there too.

That was a very cool show. lots of fun.

T'ai chi was good this week. Started practicing a little pilates - see how it goes.

evanescence gig and sherlock holmes

Went to see evanescence on monday night - damn fine show. There were certain key tracks that really got to me and were done beautifully. In particular I got that whole goosebumps listening to the music thing when the My Immortal track played, most odd, seemed to invoke some emotion in me and it was almost like a catharsis. Indeed Aristotle coined the term to describe "the emotional effect of a tragic drama upon the spectator". A great experience. I may try to whack a few pics in here shortly.

OO, and took my other half round baker street on the way back yesterday to have a look at some of the sherlock holmes stuff.

good day.

time passes

its been a short week at work with much done in it. Good work too, got to play with much of the j2ee software stack. Also attended a very enlightening lecture by david cook, top chap in the bcs. exciting times.

Taichi again tonight

Tried a few new things out. good class - much fun and i haven't crippled myself. Most exciting.

Just ordered Macromedia Studio MX 2004 so hopefully there'll be some more web development from me on the way.

A weekend of bathroom decorating beckons.

Making time

So I'm playing games a little less, reading a little more and making time for a few bits and bobs. Still not practicing as much as I probably should but hey, I'll get there. Just recently got all the way through the Wudang style short form in t'ai chi - the square form. I should explain. In Wudang there are two styles to every form - square and round. Square can be thought of as a teaching style - simplified and broken down into steps, while round is how it was intended to be. So now I know the short form in square and the first (of six) section of the long form in square and round. A way to go yet but getting there.

Still intending to write here about the books. Will get to it.

A new direction

I have in recent weeks discovered how far from my professional goals I had travelled. I have since put some more effort into cpd activities with the BCS and also into reading directed at improving my ability to perform my job.

I have read some interesting texts around leadership, motivating others, why people work. This in itself has been quite a journey for myself as I've discovered obvious factors articulated clearly that have affected my own motivation and that of my team over the past few months. I am also a little clearer on how being present - so crucial to many Taoist and Zen practices - benefits ones work. I have also found a guide to when one should look at the past and the future.

I started this blog to both record my thoughts and give me a place to articulate and construct these thoughts. I still need that even though I haven't found time lately to add new posts. I hope to rectify this as I describe my findings from my recent studies.

more friends are mums and dads

A couple who are good old friends from bristol have just had their first baby. Thomas Sedlen was born 10:58 on friday.

very cool :D

reinstalled computers

well, thats xp installed on my puter again.
seems to run pretty quick - can't tell if thats just the SATA-150 or the RAID-0 stripe.

Just watching a bit of Eliza Dushkus (imdb) new series - tru calling. Interesting premise - groundhog day meets sixth sense. Suffers a bit too much from gratuitous shots of eliza running around the city - she really needs a car or a cycle but beyond that it's look pretty cool.

Birthday today i've had. quiet thing and perhaps deliberately - an excuse for donuts tomorrow though so thats cool :D

I now have a hoard of DVDs to watch too - still collecting more than watching but i'll get there. for now, watching telly and playing too many games :)

currently playing unreal tournament 2004 too much.

also - distinct lack of practice over the past few weeks of t'ai chi free thursdays.

my word its been a while

Well, it certainly seems that distractions are happily keeping me from doing things I used to think were important. These things are still important but with less time due to time spent at work and an ever increasing desire to play and have fun, well, it seems sitting and writing a little about what I've been doing has gone out the window.

So what have i been doing?

Playing unreal tournament 2004 (see below). Been talking to my sis a lot since my nephew was born. Been going to t'ai chi though not last week and this week is my other halfs birthday. Got two SATA drives and RAID-0'd those, will be reinstalling my OS in the coming weekend.

What else? erm. oh, found an excellent tea site.

will write more soon....

I'm an uncle!!!!

My wee nephew was born today (well, friday 19th) at 2.43pm weighing in at 2lbs 6oz. Little fellas healthy but will be in hospital a while until he's big enough to go home. all cool. sis is well too.

sweet dude.

went to t'ai chi thursday night

ankle held up well but i seem to have removed a layer of skin while doing some of the punch pad drills - doh!

I think people are starting to wonder why i am following a hobby that injures me so much. Really must find out what I doing wrong there, clearly I am bad at punching!- punching? how hard can it be? ho hum.

still good class. i am really not very fit and have a long way to go before i am anything like good at freestyle pushing hands. Theres apparently a competition next month that i would like to see but its the 4th of april which is already double booked in my calendar :(

lots of other stuff i have to report but thats for another time i think.

chinese meal

as it turns out i went for a nice chinese meal last night, although woke up in the middle of the night with a migraine. These thankfully are rare now but I'm not sure what it was... likely the food I guess

ankles feeling better today though

nice

I find myself hesitant

After a morning wondering around London going to various meetings and an afternoon at my desk I find that my ankle is complaining. I think the outside tendon is currently lightly stretched and is displeased about it. I am hesitant about going to T'ai chi tonight and concerned that the hesitation is simply laziness masked as concern. I am tired though and my ankle is not great - a third week away from the class would seem advisable.

Is this 30% out of laziness or avoiding 120% with good reason? The latter I think.

Ho hum. Will rest my ankle this evening and practice this weekend.

Been a while huh?

So whats happening now?

Ankles much improved though not 100%. The arnica cream has most certainly helped. I am intending to go to T'ai chi tomorrow night although won't be taking part in the more martial drills. Some parts of the short form are at present beyond the scope of my ankle so I will selective even in the parts of the short form that I will be doing. Still, attending will help my ankle in my opinion - doing what I can do and no more will be as far as I should go.

I don't know if I have mentioned this before but apparently there is a Taoist saying that one should do 70% of what one can do, no more. To do more, to go to 90% or 100% means one risks going to 110% or 120% should an accident occur - such may cause injury. Another instance of this statement concerns eating. Eat until you are 70% full - when too full there is no room to digest ones meal. This one I have difficulty with, being English and inclined to clear my plate at any oppurtunity. Indeed finding the 70% level is difficult. often one doesn't want to do what one is doing so 70% becomes an excuse and becomes 30%. In the case where one wants to do something then 70% easily becomes more. Perhaps then this rule is really about finding a healthy balance. A useful indicator though.

On another note I am now contributing a very little amount to charity.

And now???

well, foot swelled up totally on friday. most impressive. difficult to walk since thursday evening.

the swelling diminished over the past few days to reveal some mean bruises! first appeared on the inside of my foot, then on the outside around monday. Finally some bruises appeared on my toes.

walking has become progressively easier and I'm currently walking at about toddler pace.

I have just popped some arnica cream on and an hour later have improved flexibility in the joint. COOL!

oddly a chap at the t'ai chi class offered me a tincture of arnica at the end of the class when I hurt myself and I turned him down, saying I had some - pride got in the way there. This could well have reduced the healing time had I taken him up on the offer but like many men I dislike being in debt to someone (except possibly faceless credit card companies, loan companies, banks, etc. )

Lessons to learn again.

In other news I now own an Xbox with project gotham 2 and battle engine aquila. My obsession with computer games continues.

Just sat watching jake 2.0 on the telly too - seems like it could be a good series.

so what happened?

well, we were doing a technique where person A punches, person B blocks and controls person A - then sweeps their legs from under them. Done it loads of times, this time I was person A, my right leg was swept - body twisted round as usual, foot didn't move as usual :(

loud crunching noise

not actually loud, sounded loud to me. like snapping celery. bleurgh.

warm feeling in ankle, 5 minutes later difficulty standing on it.

why did the foot not move? a few reasons, me tired, me unprepared a bit, lack of practice, lack of warming up joints. hmm...

many lessons to learn.
sleep. practice. warm up.

as I frequently say, the path is easy to see but its easy not to follow it.